Accept your feelings
by Grey Tulip
Summary: When Starfire disappears, Raven tries to find her no matter what. She slowly realizes she feels more than just friendship for her Fellow Titan. RavenXStarfire


She stared out of the window. It rained. It always seemed to rain when she took a glimpse at the world through her window, or at least that was what it had been like since this fatal Monday morning two months ago.

She couldn't stop thinking about it.

A sigh escaped her lips, found its way out of her mouth even though she tried to repress it. Dammit! How was she supposed to meditate under this circumstances? She tried to find her center once again, and once again without success. Finally, she gave in. Falling back on her bed, she sunk into a deep state of emptiness.

Even for Raven, such a funk was unusual, though she was not really known as a happy person. But since Starfire's disappearance she had hardly had any emotions to repress. There just was nothing.

The fight with Cinderblock that day had seemed nothing extraordinary. He had been, as always, a very durable, but not a very bright opponent. However, Starfire had been bruised rather badly, so she lay down at the side, telling Raven she should go back and resume fighting Cinderblock since she would not need her healing skills right then. Had she not been injured there would have been no way she ever could have been caught. This way, however, while the others had finished an already beaten Cinderblock off, a big fist had knocked Starfire out cold. Raven, who had been first to turn around, had just seen the villain disappearing through the bushes, Starfire cradled in his arms. She had immediately chased after them, but when she had reached the spot they should have been at, she could not see anybody. It had taken them all five minutes to find a cleverly disguised trap door, and by then, Starfire and her kidnapper had already been far, far away.

The first month they had tried to track her down together. They had looked through the whole of Jump city, and when they couldn't find her there, they had tried for the vicinity, only to be disappointed again.

Then, one by one, the other Titans had admitted defeat. First Beast Boy, who had simply dropped out saying that if she wasn't in or anywhere near Jump city it would be impossible to find her. He reasoned that if she was OK she would sooner or later drop by by herself, and until then she would have wanted them not to neglect their duty as heroes. He did not mention that this where just as well their options for what to do if she was dead. He didn't need to, because they all knew that. While they were not often of the same opinion, concerning this, Cyborg agreed with him. The worst thing about it was not, however, that they were quitting the search, but that Beast Boy was totally right about what he said. The chances of finding Starfire were indeed minimal as long as whoever hid her didn't want her to be found, and should she have died she would have definitely wanted them to go on and back to normality as they had eventually done when Terra had died. It was just that Raven did not want to except that Starfire had just vanished. It was the same reason that moved Robin on. She knew he had had a crush on Starfire, quite possible still had, while for her she had to admit that Starfire was probably the best and truest friend she had ever had. There was one place where Starfire could sensibly be that they had not yet visited. Tamaran.

She and Robin had gone to Tamaran in desperate hope to find she had just gone home. It had taken Raven all her skills to open a portal that far away. Alas, even on Tamaran Starfire was nowhere to be found. Broken, they went back to Earth, just in time to save Cyborg and Beast Boy from an attack by the Brain they without Robin and Raven would not have stood the slightest chance against. After this, Robin had decided to stay with the others. It was too big a risk, especially without Starfire, to split up. Raven saw this, but it didn't change her resolve to rest only when she had found Starfire. A new, desperate attempt to find Starfire was to visit all the villains Starfire could have possibly pissed off during her career as hero. As she had announced this, Robin had tried to stop her. It was too dangerous, he said. Most of them they had hardly taken down with combined forces. Raven knew he was right, but she also knew that this knowledge was not going to stop her. Still, she was immensely thankful when Cyborg had asked her to just do what she had to do and, when Robin had tried to argue that, had silenced him with a glare. The last thing she had needed back then was a quarrel with her friends.

Sighing once again Raven stood up from her bed. Today, she was going to visit Mammoth. She hardly considered him capable of such a sneakiness, but lately she had realized that she would keep going however small the chance of success was. It was for some time already not only for the sake of finding Starfire, she did not really expect to find her anymore, though she tried to keep her hopes up. At first, she had had high hopes of finding maybe Slade or Blackfire imprisoning Starfire, but when none of her prime suspects knew anything about her disappearance, Raven's confidence demised. But she would not stop, could not stop going, because she just knew that the moment she did she would feel completely hollow. It was her sheer stubbornness in not accepting Starfire had gone that kept her going, and the moment she would have stopped she would never have gotten going again.

She had asked herself a few times if it was normal to feel like that even after losing a best friend, since, though she could not compare to her own experiences, she was quite sure it was not. Still, the alternative didn't make things any better, so she had clutched the branch of hope, despite it turning first into a straw, than into a hair, getting smaller every day. She just could not let go.

"They have given in!", he screamed in triumph. "It's all gonna be mine!"

"Nice to hear that", Raven stated coolly. "May I ask what should be yours?"

Mammoth whirled around, clearly startled. "Haven't you already paid a visit to Gizmo? Do you need to bother me with that, too?"

"Raven? Is that you?", a surprised voice was to be heard out of the background.

The sound of Starfire's voice made Raven jump for joy inside, joy of finding her hopes confirmed. However, on the outside she managed to contain her calmness.

"So you build a perfectly disguised tunnel, hide away for two months, and then you don't even bother to gag her? You're pathetic.", Raven taunted. Furious, Mammoth threw himself at Raven. Yet his immense strength was no match for Raven's powers, all the less in her already infuriated state. She released all her anger in one single blast of dark energy, which blew Mammoth right through the wall he stood in front of plus the wall of the house on the other side of the street. She didn't bother even looking for him. After this, he could not possibly be standing any more. Instead, she called out softly: "Starfire? Where are You?"

"Here, Raven."

Raven actually smiled at the joy that showed in Starfire's voice. she beamed right into the room she had heard Starfire's voice from. There she was, bound with some odd ropes that somehow seemed to withstand even Starfire's strength, her hands tied behind her back, palms facing towards a giant block of titanium she was standing against. Had she used her powers, the metal would have melted and burned off her hands. Raven couldn't help but think, as she cut the ropes, that Mammoth had really thought out a neat plan. She would not have thought he could.

"Friend Raven! I am so happy to see you!", Starfire screamed with joy, while she tackled her with one of her famous bear hugs. "Where are the others?", she asked, surprised since she could not sense any of the other Titans.

"They gave up some time ago. The chances of finding you were just so small after all this time."

"I am glad you did not give up, Friend Raven.", Starfire said, a big smile on her face. "When after a month no one of you had found me, I thought you would never do so."

Starfire hugged Raven once again close, and Raven could not help but wonder why it felt so… right, to be I Starfire's arms. The thought send her mind reeling, nearly making her blush. She could not help but look Starfire over.

"Why are you staring at me, Raven?", Starfire asked astonished.

"You look a bit of a mess, Starfire", Raven replied, a little bit too fast. "You're beautiful anyways", she added quickly as not to hurt Starfire. "Let's get back home."

Raven teleported them right back into the Tower. "What did Mammoth want from you in the first case?", she asked curiously.

"He wanted to repress all the money from Tamaran for not killing me. Really insane."

They ended up right inside the living room, where Cyborg and Beast Boy were playing one of their usual computer games.

"Cyborg! Beast Boy!", Starfire screeched and Wrapped them both into a huge hug.

"Starfire!" they exclaimed in unison.

"It nice to see you again", Cyborg said. "To be honest I hadn't really expected to see you again."

"Me neither, but here I am, thanks to Raven."

Beast Boy turned to Raven. "You were right to go on looking for Starfire. I'm sorry we didn't help you. Where did you find her?"

Before Raven could answer, they were interrupted by Robin storming down the stairs, hugging Starfire tight. Then, after some time, as if realizing they were hugging, they both blushed and released each other. After a few seconds of awkward silence Robin said: "It's nice to see you again, Starfire."

"The same goes for you, Robin", Starfire answered nervously. "I will go up now. You were right, Friend Raven, I do look messy", she said and vanished up the stairs.

"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos! Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!" But despite her spellwords, Raven found no tranquility. She had hardly ever managed to meditate the last two months. She had hoped it would get better now that Starfire was back, instead it only sent even more thoughts through her head. She let herself fall back onto her bed, hoping that thinking everything through would help her to sort her thoughts out.

She was glad Starfire was back. Up to then she had never realized just how much it meant to her to have Starfire by her side. She had always wanted her to be happy. So why had she felt so damn - she could hardly think of another word for it – jealous - when she had seen the admiration and feeling on Starfire's face at seeing Robin again? Starfire was her friend. Seeing her happy was all she wanted. If she was happy with Robin, she was fine with it surely?

But she knew the only person she was kidding was herself. Worse yet was that she was not even sure if the term "friend" was sufficient for what she felt for Starfire.

"Then what else?" a voice inside her head whispered. It took her some time to see it was love who had spoken.

"Yeah", lust piped in. "you like boys like Aqualad. Plus, you had a crush on Cyborg, too, and Beast Boy is hot, and Red X too… though she is kinda cute, actually." She mentally slapped herself for that thought. Even though it was one of her emotions which voiced that thought, it came indirectly from herself, since they all were part of her mind. Still, that didn't mean that she…

"Whom exactly are you trying to fool?", affection scolded her. She sighed. It was true, she was only putting wool over her own eyes.

"Come on and at it", brave encouraged her.

"You're not even sure about yourself", doubt voiced.

"You couldn't, anyways", timid said.

"And if…"

Raven jumped up from her bed and shook her head to clear it. She knew she would not be able to meditate today, so instead she grabbed a book and made her way to the living room.

She just sat down, only to see Starfire enter the room. She had dressed up more than usual. She was gorgeous, so it took Raven a few moments to pull herself together and get back to her usual snippy self.

"Whom are you going out with?", she asked her ironical.

Starfire blushed. "Nobody. Why do you ask?"

Raven grinned. Obviously, Starfire tried to play innocent. "Let me get this straight: You walk in as if you were to attend a party at the White House, and all for no reason? I can't believe that."

Starfire blushed. Her eyes darted over to Beast Boy and Cyborg, who had already paused their game to watch their conversation. Then she turned back to Raven, with a look that said: Please not here. Unbothered by that, Raven went on: "To bad Robin ain't here, isn't it?"

"It's OK, Starfire, we know you got a thing for him", Beast Boy voiced.

Starfire's face grew crimson red out of embarrassment, while her eyes were two daggers piercing right through Raven. She grabbed her by her waist and dragged her to the roof, with a grip that made getting away impossible.

"Why did you do that?", she hissed, with an anger in her voice that was untypical for the otherwise cheery and easy-going girl. Great, Raven thought, now instead of getting any closer to her, she had pissed Starfire off with her snippy comments.

"Ahm…I…"

"Look, I am glad you helped me out of Mammoth's claws and that you trusted me to still be out there, but can you please just leave my issues with Robin alone, because that is none but my own business! Now why did you do that?"

At that Raven became a bit agitated, too. Sure was the comment about Robin uncalled for, but it was no reason to react like this to some harmless taunting.

"I was jealous of him, OK?", she screamed.

Starfire's anger vanished in an instant. Now she seemed to be nothing but confused. "Why would you be jealous of him? I will stay your friend, you know that, do you not?"

"I… never mind." With that, she stormed off to lock herself inside her room to calm down, leaving a speechless and very confused Starfire standing on the roof.

It was not until the next day that they spoke again. Raven had stayed in her room even through dinner, trying to calm her emotions, while Starfire had been occupied with understanding Raven's jealousy, which she still hadn't.

Yet, when they received a call that Killer Moth had fled prison, they had to meet to fly there. The other Titans sure noticed the odd looks Raven and Starfire shot each other, but chose not to comment on them. When they reached their destination, they had to find out that Killer Moth already awaited them. Out of nowhere, his moths attacked Starfire, blocking the others while sinking her in a huge heap of moths. Starfire's situation was, in short, hopeless, since even she had no chance against such an army.

"Surrender me and she'll live", Killer Moth's voice boomed out of somewhere. Robin shot out into the direction the voice came from, only to be interrupted by a scream from Starfire.

"That is my last warning. One Titan less is fine with me, too."

Raven meanwhile tried to sense Starfire's contours. It was a risky thing she was going to do, because if she did not get Starfire's contours right she would inevitably blast part of Starfire apart, too, but she knew if they surrendered, Starfire would die anyways so she might as well take the chance she had. Suddenly, she could sense Starfire for sure. It seemed to her her senses and powers had sharpened. She had no time to wonder about that since below her she could feel Killer Moth tighten, undoubtedly calling something out to his moths any moment. So she engulfed Starfire in a bubble of her power right away, letting it explode outward, at the same time sending a gigantic blast of energy directly at where she could sense Killer Moth was standing. It was just then that she realized that the increase of power she had felt was due to her now being in her white form. In no time, Killer Moth and his moths were blown down by blasts of blending white power. She ignored the chaos around them and beamed herself next to Starfire.

"You're OK?", she asked, concerned. Starfire nodded, still very much shocked, while Raven let out a breath she had not known she had held and slowly turned back from White Raven to her normal form.

"Thank you, Friend Raven", Starfire finally managed to say and hugged her close.

Raven could not think straight as she felt Starfire's hands on her back, blushing as she for the first time realized that her head was directly at the height of Starfire's breasts while hugging. She mentally chastised herself for thinking how she would like to touch them. Some time ago she would not even have thought of kissing a girl, whereas now it was hard for her to repress the urge to kiss Starfire, while she already thought of how Starfire's nipples would feel in her mouth…

"What did you mean by saying you were jealous of Robin?", Starfire whispered. Raven had known this would come, and she had no idea how to explain.

"I will explain, just not here, but at home. Alone", she answered.

Cyborg came over to them. "That was pretty impressive, Raven", he said with a smile. "How come you could just turn into White Raven?"

"I honestly don't know", Raven answered. "Perhaps it was that Starfire was in mortal danger that I could conjure it up so easily."

Cyborg smiled. "I hope you are able to do that if I were in mortal danger, too.", he said.

She nodded, smiling, but inside she was sure, though she would not say so, this was something she could only do for Starfire.

Then they heard Robin calling out to them: "Let's get home now."

"So, what reason had you had to be jealous?", Starfire asked Raven. They were, as the day before, standing atop of the Titans Tower, just the two of them. Raven had pondered all the way back how to tell Starfire, but had not found a solution.

"I… eh…", she made a feeble attempt to explain. She found no way.

"Well?"

The heck with it! Raven thought, hugged Starfire close, and, looking her directly into the eyes, kissed her. She saw Starfire's eyes widen in surprise, then slowly succumbing to her kiss. Raven could hardly believe it as she felt Starfire opening her lips, reciprocating the kiss.

However, it did not last very long, because Starfire stepped back, a haunted look on her face.

"We should not be doing this", she whispered, before turning around running down the stairs, leaving a confused and broken Raven standing alone.

Starfire ran down the hallway. She needed to talk. Badly. But to whom? Not to Beast Boy. She doubted he could keep a secret. Robin would listen maybe, but she really did not want to talk to him right now since she knew he still had the hots for her. Surprisingly, she felt nothing of the heat she had felt the previous day thinking of him. She could only think of Raven. Looking back, she had thought of Raven very often the last months. Maybe she had already in before felt… more.

So being the one left, she would talk to Cyborg about it.

"Cyborg? Are you here?", she asked while knocking on his door.

"I am. Come in, Starfire", he said on opening the door. "So how come you visit me?"

"I need to talk to you about a secret."

"I can keep a secret. Shoot!"

"You know how Raven acted a bit weird lately." He nodded, motioning her to go on. "Well, we had a fight yesterday about that scene you and Beast Boy watched in the living room. I grew very angry about Raven taunting me on pimping up for Robin, so I confronted her about it, asking her why she had exposed me like that. I might have overdone in a bit because she actually told me the truth, saying she had been jealous of Robin. I had pondered all night on how she meant that, so today, after the fight, I asked her what she meant by that. And instead of answering, she kissed me!"

"Did you like it?", Cyborg asked.

"I…" Starfire's face got crimson red. "Yes", she whispered, barely audible.

"And I always thought you had it in for Robin. So", Cyborg questioned her, "What's your problem?"

"It is not normal. We just should not do such!"

"Why? There is a beautiful girl offering you her heart and you don't take it, even though you like her back?"

"Because… god, I am so stupid", Starfire mumbled sinking her head into her hands.

"Then go and straighten it out before it's too late!"

She smiled and hugged Cyborg. "Thanks, Cy", she said, and ran off.

"Raven? May I come in?", Starfire asked.

Raven opened her door, signaling Starfire to enter her room.

"I am sorry I ran off. I did not want to hurt you, I was just unsure about what I felt. Please, can you forgive me?"

Instead of an answer, Raven tackled Starfire with a crushing hug and kissed her once again. "Just promise me not to run off again and I'm fine with that", she murmured. Starfire was about to answer, but Raven silenced her by resuming the kiss, looking deep into her eyes, already seeing Starfire's answer there.

Cyborg smiled at them as they came down the stairs for dinner. Then he shot a questioning look at Starfire. She gave him a thumbs up, making him smile once again.

Robin glanced at her, before announcing "I have to say something."

"I and Raven have to say something, too", Starfire replied. "But you may go first."

"Alright", Robin said, looking slightly nervous. "Starfire, would you maybe accompany me to the cinema someday?"

Raven's look said something like: Why do I always have to be right on these matters?

Starfire shifted uncomfortably. "I am sorry, Robin, if you mean accompanying as in going on a date I will not, since I am already together with Raven."

Robin felt mortified. It got no better when Beast Boy started to laugh. His laughter subsided quickly under the stern stares of the others, still. "I, um, I was not that hungry anyway", he muttered, dashing away towards his room. Starfire wanted to follow him, but Raven held her back.

"He needs time to think. Just leave him alone. He will come back eventually", she said.

She was right. An hour later, Robin came back down, wishing them the best and joining the rest of the Titans at dinner.

After stripping out of their clothes, Raven and Starfire fell into Starfire's bed. They snuggled up close, face to face.

"I love you, Starfire", Raven murmured.

"I love you too, Raven", Starfire whispered into Raven's ear. "So", she said after a moments silence with a husky voice, "what do you suggest we do now, two lovers, naked, in a bed?"

Instead of an answer, Raven simply kissed her. "Whatever you want to", she said, smiling.


End file.
